The Negotiator
I am an exceptionally good Monopoly player. If you have heard that statement before, I'm not surprised. Everyone thinks they're a good Monopoly player. Seriously, think about it. Have you ever met anyone who has readily admitted to being bad at Monopoly? People either don't like the game because they think it takes too long or they think they are experts. But, truly, there are very few things I have confidence in in this world and my Monopoly abilities are on that short list. I had a near three-year streak of not losing a game of Monopoly in high school and when Shelbi first got back from Japan, she fancied herself to be somewhat of a Monopoly savant. I knew better however, as she had told me earlier that her favorite properties were the greens. The greens! Needless to say, in the first few weeks of Shelbi's return to the U.S., she was soundly beaten in nine consecutive games of one-on-one Monopoly, a truly remarkable feat considering the sheer amount of luck that is in play during a two-person game. Honestly, if I had to play Death in one game with my life on the line, it would either be Monopoly or PGA Tour Golf played on an Apple II computer.
That was an especially long introduction to say that my Monopoly success comes mainly from an uncanny ability to pull off lopsided trades. So much so that my mother once forbade my little brother from making any trades with me during a game in our childhood and, a little over a year ago, while Shelbi and I were in the midst of a heated battle, we completed a trade and she simply looked at me and said "the game is over isn't it?" And it was. For some reason, the game of Monopoly brings out a shrewd and ruthless side in me that does not exist in any other facet of my life. Come to think of it, next time I need to ask my boss for a raise I might keep the thimble in my pocket as a lucky charm. "I understand that newspapers are a dying industry and we are firing people left and right, but would your answer be different if I was to throw in... say... Water Works?"
I never thought these negotiating skills had any use whatsoever except when it came to winning second prize in beauty contests and receiving bank errors in my favor. But I have found that, with having a child, my savvy and ruthlessness has come out again. With Elliott needing so many things throughout the course of a day, Shelbi and I take turns with diaper changes, who runs out to get groceries, etc... And I have already realized that Shelbi has weaknesses that can be preyed upon. For instance, Shelbi loves Diet Pepsi fountain drinks. It has to be a fountain drink and she hates going and getting them from 7-11 herself. Now, I can turn the favor of running out in sandals and a stained t-shirt at midnight (and at midnight at the Milwaukie 7-11 I am still the best dressed person in the store) into, if I play my cards right, an entire night of diaper changes. And if Shelbi is particularly tired... say at 5 a.m. during her third feeding of the night, I can turn getting a bottle ready into a grocery trip and dinner of my choice that night (the equivalent of giving her the green Monopoly for all 4 railroads and $500 when she's already broke).
The negotiations do swing both ways though. Now that we are in more of a routine we have been making deals with each other that resemble offseason baseball trades. I hold the baby for an hour in exchange for two future diaper changes to be named later. However if, during said hour, I am spit up on or need to change Elliott's outfit, I also receive coffee from a venue of my choice the following morning. If Elliott sleeps for more than 20 consecutive minutes in the agreed upon hour, I will also unload the dishwasher. I can't imagine what's going to happen when he starts needing rides to things. It's going to be like the freaking Yalta Conference. 
This makes me sad.
Sorry, but there's no possible way you were undefeated throughout high school. We both know that my monopoly skills and knowledge base are also highly developed. However, I must say that in any game that involved the two of us and any other players, I could only sit back and watch as you badgered our opponent into submission, then talked them OUT of whatever trade I was proposing.
Come to think of it, my mom still speaks with dread about the monopoly games we would get going with my siblings up at the cabin.
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That's it. I'm "throwing down." You beat me the first game, Shelbi won the second.
By the way, one of the first things you do when Shelbi returns from Japan is beat her 9 times in a row - and she still married you? Wow. Did one of your trades include Marvin Gardens for Tennessee and a forced marriage?
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Wow, I am being defamed on my own blog. First off, the record needs to state that if I have a mentor in how to make a shady Monopoly trade it would be Pete one of my biggest Monopoly adversaries who put an end to my streak.
Second, how quickly Mike forgets that in the two times I have played against the Pattersons, a pair of worthy Monopoly opponents, I have won BOTH times. But Shelbi appreciated the error.
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So...right. We've just admitted to the world that we're really dorky. We bought a fresh Monopoly game the DAY I got back from Japan...so we would have our "own" game to start fresh with. And I came up with the awesome idea to keep track of wins and losses on the inside of the box. I believe I wrote "Matt" and "Shelbi" and made a win/loss column and quit keeping track after losing the fourth time.
What Matt fails to mention is that I refuse to trade with him now. And he got REALLY upset with me one night about a year ago. I had two monopolies and he had none...I killed him, refused to trade. He informed me this game didn't count. That's right. My win was tainted and unfair.
I actually win? And he pouts.
Now...who is coming over for Fast Food Franchise???
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Again, more lies and misremembering (to quote Roger Clemens). I should have expected a Monopoly post would be controversial. It is a heated game, perhaps only rivaled by RISK. I remember the game in question. I NEVER said the game didn't count. Please give me more credit than that. Of course in a two-person game if one person gets a Monopoly and the other person physically can't, there is no reason to make a trade. I believe I simply wanted you to make a trade (that was lopsided in your favor since I knew you had no reason to make a trade) just to make the game somewhat interesting.
I will not refute the fact that I pouted however. And as for Fast Food Franchise? I will never write about my prowess in that game. I don't know why but I absolutely suck at Fast Food Franchise.
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Shelbi - I'm with ya. Michael's prowess (and ego) at Ticket to Ride is similar to Matt's with Monopoly. The ONE time that I beat him, he said it didn't count (even though his mother and nieces were also there). Finally, the next day, he congratulated me in the most begrudging, I-don't-really-think-you-won,-but-I'm-so-generous-I-can-give-you-this-one-to-make-you-feel-better way.
I'm up for Fast Food Franchise!
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Disputing an inflated ego is a hard thing to do. If you lose and I congratulate you it's viewed as condescending. If I win and humbly put the board away, you vow never to play with me again.
I play Scrabble and Trivial Pursuit with you and don't complain when you win every time. Matt's blog is turning into marriage counseling.
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