It's the time of year where I have to resign myself to covering the second and third tier sports for the newspaper. Toward the end of each season, playoffs approach and I am forced to go out and pretend that I actually know something about sports I have little to no interest in. In the fall, I usually have to watch at least one water polo playoff game. In the spring, late May brings a lot of confused looks on my face as I watch girl's lacrosse.

And in the winter, I try to watch as little wrestling and swimming as possible but, as the season winds down, I can't avoid attending the district and state meets. Ever since I was in seventh grade and witnessed a friend of mine yank an opponent's shoulder out of his socket from about 15 feet away, I have known that I would never want to raise a wrestler.

So, without further ado, I've assembled a list  of sports currently offered in high school and assigned pros and cons to them for Elliott's convenience 14 years down the road.

Football:
Pro: Definitely the glamour sport and gives you some serious bragging rights if some other parent is yammering on and on about how smart their damn weiner kid is.
Con: It's a little intense. Fortunately we're in the Milwaukie school district where the football team's motto is: "At least no one died this year."

Soccer:
Pro: Soccer is a beautiful and complex sport that I have a lot of family history with.
Con: Nobody else likes soccer.

Water Polo:
Pro: Really good water polo players are some of the best athletes you'll ever see.
Con: Really bad water polo players often need resucitating. 

Cross country:
Pro: The races are short and it would require a very minimal time commitment from me. "You need to go to practice? Just run there Prefontaine."
Con: Vomitting after/during races. Plus, watching the chubby JV girl from Putnam walk across the finish line at the district meet a good 30 minutes after the next to last competitor completed the race is perhaps the saddest thing I've ever seen in my life.

Basketball:
Pro: Even if Elliott makes the basketball team I'm pretty confident I could still dominate him in H-O-R-S-E.
Con: It's really hard to make a basketball team let alone get any playing time. Plus, judging by the comments and complaints I have heard at games over the years, parents of basketball players are clinically retarded.

Wrestling:
Pro: Ummm...
Con: Cauliflower ear, ringworm, feeling up sweaty guys every day, unitards.

Swimming:
Pro: Friendly environment, low stress and even if you suck at least you're getting in shape.
Con: Shaving

Golf:
Pro: Come on, who wouldn't want to be on the golf team? Even the JV golfers get to play for free every day in the spring.
Con: Golfers were the only other "athletes" in school that I felt superior to. I mean, at least we ran every day in practice.

Lacrosse:
Pro: When it's played well, lacrosse can be pretty awesome to watch.
Con: It is not often played well in Oregon and when you've got somewhat uncoordinated 17-year-olds running at full speed with sticks it leads to some of the most gruesome ACL blowouts I've ever witnessed.

Tennis:
Pro: As I emphatically proved, you don't really need to work hard or be that good to make a varsity team and if you DO work hard and have a little hand-eye coordination, it's not that hard to be decent.
Con: Let's face it, varsity tennis players are usually the villains in shows on the CW.

Baseball:
Pro:  Baseball is awesome. 
Con: Almost everyone I knew in high school and college who was really good at baseball was also a total douche bag.

Track:
Pro: There's an event for you no matter what your skills are. For example, with my frame in high school, I would have made a good javelin.
Con: Have you ever been to a high school track meet? The average time it takes to complete one from start to finish is 76 hours.