One thing that you are always told when you are expecting your first child is that you won't believe that you can love something as much as you will instantly love your son or daughter. For the most part, I found that to be true. I couldn't possibly put a price on the joy Elliott has brought to us over the past three and a half months. Fortunately, the good people at Kaiser Permanente were able to put a very specific price on it.

Recently, we received a bill for the birth of Elliott in the amount of $11,339.46. I can not adequately express to you the feeling one gets when opening an unexpected bill, with a due date, for more than $11,000. My best explanation would be that it's like riding the least fun roller coaster in the world for an entire day. My favorite part of the actual bill was that it looked and was worded exactly like every other bill you would receive. Please make your check or money order for $11,339.46 out to Kasier Permanente. Thanks! I would have assumed that, for that amount, they would have just sent you a cooler, a pen knife and a slip of paper where you simply checked whether you would be selling your left or right kidney.

Of course, deep down, Shelbi and I knew it had to be a  mistake but what we spent most of the day thinking about was what if it wasn't? Shelbi reasoned that we could empty savings and borrow some money if we had to. Me? I was at the computer researching how much we could get for our house and plotting out my sarcastic phone call to Kaiser. "I see. So we really DO owe that amount? Interesting. And would you mind telling me where we could go to return our baby?"

For the rest of the evening, every time I looked at Elliott I just saw a little drooling dollar sign, or occasionally the word HOPES or DREAMS with a giant red slash through it. I also began coming up with what I thought were brilliant compromises such as: We keep Elliott until he is 13 years old, at which point he becomes the property of Kaiser Permanente until he has worked off the entirety of the debt. I also thought we could tattoo a large advertisement for Kaiser on his back. Something with their slogan on it "Kaiser Permanente: You thought we knew what we were doing? That's cute."

Of course I called first thing the next day and, after just a few minutes on hold, was promptly told "Oh yeah, I'll make sure this gets taken care of. Just disregard it." That's it. No other explanation. You owe $11,000. Oh wait, no you don't. What if someone had received that bill and just assumed they had to pay it? I know that sounds crazy but, apparently, there are hundreds of thousands of people in this country who thought they could afford a $2,000 a month mortgage when they bring in $1,200 a month. I also thought about suing Kaiser for the heart attack they nearly gave me but I probably would have needed to see the doctor to conirm that.