Summer Vacation Part 2

So we started driving. We made our decision so quickly that we didn't take a lot of time to process anything. But, in essence, we were trading in our four-hour flight (a flight that we were exceedingly worried about Elliott being able to handle while maintaining his sanity) in exchange for 32 hours stuck in a car seat. But, at least this way, if our kid went crazy, he would only be bothering two individuals instead of 200. On our first night, we arrived in San Francisco at around 9 p.m. Elliott handled the nine hours relatively well. The portable DVD player was our savior although Shelbi and I can, quite literally, recite all of Muppets Take Manhattan and The Great Muppet Caper verbatim.

We checked into our hotel and were planning on heading to bed rather quickly in preparation for a full day on the town beginning next morning. After a long car ride, the phrase "I need to burn off some energy" is always used liberally and I had always believed that they were basically figures of speech. Just because you've been cooped up somewhere for a long period of time doesn't mean you've somehow accumulated an excess amount of energy that must be evacuated, right? Well, we learned our lesson fairly quickly. Elliott got into our hotel room and instantly took on a form that I have never seen before.

He dismantled the hotel room telephone, unplugging it from the wall and the receiver from the console and dragged both pieces around the room. He crawled up on the bed, spun around in circles before flopping down face first and giggling uproariously. He yanked at the blinds, he changed the air conditioner settings, he knocked over a lamp, he turned the TV on and off 56 times. He somehow figured out how to open the door and was halfway to the elevator in just his diaper before we caught him. And all of this was done to the tune of high-pitched screams as the majority of the hotel was likely trying to sleep. That night he refused to calm down. We put him in his Pack and Play and he promptly pulled off his sheet and then folded up his mattress before tossing it over the side. He ran around in circles before eventually stopping and staring at us like a creepy kid in a horror movie. After a minute of this we got: "Dada? Dada? Dada! ... Mama! Mama!... Mama. Mama?" We put him into bed with us and he promptly started a one person game of steamroller. I have no idea how long it actually took him to fall asleep. Shelbi and I were so tired that after midnight, for all we know, he could have been dancing on our faces for hours and we could have slept through it.

The day in San Francisco was fun . We went to the wharf, ate chowder, saw the sea lions etc... Early in the day I achieved what, until that point, I had failed to realize was a mandatory step in parenthood. I stood outside a carousel, waving at my child and taking blurry pictures. It is absolutely one of the 20 most likely things you will do when you become a father right between "begrudgingly accepting the fact that, no matter how annoying, kids freaking love Elmo." That night I purchased tickets to the Giants game and we sat in the third deck at a cold at windy AT&T Park. Again the portable DVD player saved us. We estimated that it only had around 80 minutes of battery power left and, in my mind, I would have been thrilled to make it past the fifth inning. But somehow, like the Hanukkah oil, the battery miraculously lasted 3 hours, making it possible for me to see my team lose a heartbreaking game.

                                                              

The next morning we headed down to Yucaipa, California. For the uninformed, Yucaipa is roughly halfway between Los Angeles, Palm Springs and Hell. From April through October when you wake up in Yucaipa, there's a good chance that A. it's going to top 100 degrees and B. you're going to question every decision you've made in your life that has led up to that point. Fortunately, our hosts were extremely gracious. Over the course of four days, my brother and sister-in-law endured 
A. Shelbi dropping a few Froot Loops under a recliner which, in turn, attracted 6000 ants into their house overnight.
B. My sister-in-law's shorts getting ruined while riding in my car because, for some reason, I had a votive in my back seat that melted.
C. Both Shelbi and I getting snippy and childish during games of Settlers of Catan.
D. Elliott dumping an entire bottle of water on their bed.
E. Elliott breaking their show rack within 30 seconds of our arrival.

On our second day, we ventured down to San Diego to give our hosts a much needed respite from us and to take Elliott to Sea World. I was skeptical about Sea World. But it turned out to be an incredibly fun place for little kids. Currently, Sea World has an entire Sesame Street exhibit which we immediately went to. Elliott rode a few of the very tame rides, pointing at all of the drawings of his favorite characters. Then, just as he and Shelbi were stepping off Elmo's Flying Fish ride, a handful of live-action characters appeared for a short performance. Elliott saw them and his eyes got huge. He squealed and pointed at them and ran over to them with the most insane smile on his face I have ever seen. He watched, entranced as they sang their few songs, occasionally glancing back at us as if to say "Are you seeing this?! Holy crap! They're real!" We then stood in line for a chance to meet Elmo, Cookie Monster and Zoe. Shelbi and I weren't sure how Elliott would react. In the past, he has been curious but generally petrified by people dressed up in furry costumes. And, I estimated that about 40% of the little kids in front of us either refused to go within 10 feet of the enormous Muppets or started bawling uncontrollably when Cookie Monster reached out to take their hand.

It was Elliott's turn and we set him down. He took off toward Elmo like a shot and, for the next two minutes, walked up and down the line, giving all three characters hug after hug, pausing reluctantly for a few seconds to get some pictures taken. It was, unequivocally the happiest day of his entire life and likely will remain that way until he sees his first pair of breasts.

The drive home was relatively uneventful. We were smarter this time around and let Elliott out periodically to run around like a madman. Our only casualty occurred on the home stretch. After what was to be our last stop before home in Roseburg, I let Shelbi take over driving as I had handled those duties for the entire way back from Yucaipa to that point. She took the wheel, promptly drove past the on-ramp to get back on the highway, realized her mistake, did a U-turn, and slammed into the curb, knocking off a hubcap and denting the rim of my tire. Only the grace of God kept my poor tire in tact. After I let a supremely rattled and perturbed Shelbi calm down, I equated her performance to that of a terrible relief pitcher. To that point I had thrown eight scorless innings, walking just one batter, yielding two hits and striking out nine. I left with a three-run lead and she gave up back-to-back-to-back home runs on three straight pitches. She was the Armando Benitez of our road trip.

      


Posted by Matthew Sherman at 8/31/2010 7:53 PM
Categories: uncategorized

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