Top 5 Depressing Moments in Parenting

Shelbi and I made a brief excursion to Target a couple of weeks ago. (How's that for an opening line that makes you want to read more?) It was about 6 p.m. on Labor Day and we were shocked by the jammed parking lot. We figured there must have been some giant pre-sale on fake Christmas trees or something as we filed through row after row of packed consumers roaming the aisles. We were just about to chock up the store's overcrowding as another unsolveable mystery along the lines of why the Winco on 82nd street was jammed full of what appeared to be 500 of escaped convicts and/or methed out miscreants at 11:30 p.m. a few years ago.

But then we turned a corner and the puzzle was solved. In front of us was Target's Back to School display and it was inundated with swarms of frazzled parents and small children. The older children were a healthy combination of mortified and depressed at the concept of being out with their parents at Target on their last night of freedom. The majority of the younger children were in tears either from tapping into their parents' stress level or because, at such late notice, the store was out of Transformers folders meaning a handful of 7-year-old boys will likely be sporting Bratz dolls on their Pee Chees this year.

And, as we passed the chaos, I got to thinking about where this scene ranked on my list of Depressing Parenting Scenes I've Witnessed. Here's how I have them ranked:

5. The parents who waited until Labor Day evening to buy every school supply on their kids' list. It was sad and I was devastated for the children who didn't get the type of new lunchbox they were hoping for or, even worse, won't have school supplies that the store was sold out of but, at the same time, there is at least a small chance that this is going to happen to me at some point in the next 20 years. It is not out of the realm of possibilities that Shelbi and/or myself will put this off so I will cut this group a bit of slack.

4. The woman behind us in Safeway last year. She and her mother were arguing loudly with a child in the grocery cart. Eventually, after another slew of profanities from the mother, the grandmother snapped, saying "If you talk like that in front of my grandchild again I'm not going to buy any of your groceries." The mother snipped back, growing angrier and the grandmother simply left the store. The mother followed angrily, leaving her full cart in line and snatching away the book from her daughter that she was told she could have. Shelbi left the store in tears. It wasn't that poor kid's fault. Had it not happened so quickly Shelbi almost certainly would have bought the book herself and ran it out to the little girl.

3. It's far too long a story to convey entirely in an already too long blog post but here are the high points. Shortly after Shelbi and I moved into our house, a young couple began renting the house across the street from us. They had a 6-month-old child. Not long after they moved in, the woman knocked on our door needing to use the phone because her boyfriend was out and they didn't have a land line. This soon became a common occurrence for us and the rest of our neighbors. Visits came constantly sometimes as late as 11 p.m., every time with a new sob story until we eventually stopped answering the door. Over the course of a few months we learned that the girl's boyfriend was certainly cheating on her and that she was ready to leave. One night Shelbi and I even helped her pack up a cab to leave for her parents' house in Vancouver. Less than a month later she was back and... promptly got herself knocked up again. They finally moved out when, after a particularly big fight, she called the cops and informed them of the identity theft ring her boyfriend was operating out of the garage. It was like we were on simultaneous episodes of Candid Camera and Maury Povich.

2. The line 60-deep of parents and kids waiting in Party City as the store's suicidal teenage employees try to find specific Halloween costumes the afternoon of October 31. I have had the misfortune of being in Party City on the day of Halloween twice in the past six years. If I was making a list of the things in my 30 years of existence that I am least proud of, I don't think I could top that last sentence. It is an awful, awful experience. The first occasion occurred while Shelbi was still working as a server at Chili's. The wait staff was all dressing up for their shift that day and Shelbi wanted me to pick up something simple like a cat mask and maybe a tail. No problem I thought. I walked into Party City and it was sheer madness. Every single aisle was torn to pieces, the floors littered with items that had been pulled off shelves. There was screaming and crying and shouting. The row of costumes was completely impassable. The format at Party City is that a child or parent selects one of the 100+ cheaply-made, pre-packaged and surprisingly expensive costumes, then waits in line while an employee heads back to the storage room and retrieves it. On normal days, it's not a bad system. But, on Halloween, and with the oldest of the store's four employees on duty checking in at 19 years old, it's a monumental cluster$#@&. The absolute worst part is having an employee walk out from the back to announce "We just sold the last Batman and Princess Jasmine costumes!" setting off a barrage or groans, tears and curse words. Then a handful of parents have to get out of line, search for another costume, get behind another 60 people and pray that their new selection will be in stock by the time they get back to the front. It took me close to an hour to pick up a tiger mask and an extremely long unmatching tail that proved to be very impractical for a waitress. Four years later I had forgotten about that experience when, again on October 31, I wanted to purchase some Halloween-themed cheap glasses for our annual party. Sigh.

(Note: Narrowly missing the top-5 were the parents who were trying to piece together their kids' Halloween costumes at the Value Village thrift store on Oct. 30 only because, if you're savvy, you can actually come up with a decent costume there.)

1. As difficult as it was to top the Party City fiasco, it happened a couple of years ago. I found myself at Rite Aid late at night on Christmas Eve. Again, not my finest hour but this was before Elliott was born and I believe I was purchasing some cheap champagne for mimosas the next morning. I made my selection (a lovely $5 bottle of Cook's if I remember correctly) and, on my way to the counter, passed the row which I feel should be labeled "Cheap crap, Stuff that will break on your way to the Car, Easily Solvable Puzzles, Rip-offs of more popular toys." And, in this aisle are a pair of individuals in their early 40s who perfectly fit the bill of what you would expect to find at the 24-hour Rite Aid at 10 p.m. or later. The man was in sandals and a pair of very short, blue cotton athletic shorts, a medium-sized tank top that had come to an agreement with the man's gut that it would be best to not even attempt to cover it and a mesh cap with a Budweiser emblem. The woman was also in sandals and some semblance of a robe. In essence, it was what you would expect a couple to look like shortly in the moments following a late-night earthquake which sent them scrambling into the streets in a panic.

But, from this couple's conversation, they were clearly doing their Christmas shopping. To be fair, there is a chance that the shopping was being done for a niece and nephew but, there is a fairly high chance that it was for their children. Now, don't get me wrong, I like the cheap crap aisle. I may have even purchased a goofy stocking stuffer or two from this aisle in the past. When, on a previous trip to Rite-Aid, Shelbi told me to "bring home a present" , I may have walked out with a set of jacks for 99 cents which saddled her with a silmultaneous look of confusion and melancholy. But these people were not making a last-minute venture for stocking stuffers. No, this was their Christmas shopping. The fact that the items being considered were so crappy didn't bother me that much. Perhaps it was all they could afford. I can understand that. But it was also evident that these people knew absolutely nothing about the people they were buying for. "How about this dinosaur? Christopher likes dinosaurs doesn't he?" Shrug. "Here, what's this? Dora the Explorer? Would Emily want to color on this?" Ugh. I'm hoping this stays at No. 1 for a very long time.


Posted by Matthew Sherman at 9/19/2010 11:18 AM
Categories: uncategorized

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