A diary of Sesame Street

I know all of the new research out there says that children aren't supposed to have screen time until they're 2 years old. I know. And it's something that has been important to Shelbi and I. But, somehow, our son got addicted to Muppets a little while back. That's literally the most accurate way I can put it. So, a few times a week, particularly when there is housework to be done or a phone call to be made, Elliott gets to watch Sesame Street in the mornings. I grew up on Sesame Street. Most kids in my generation did. However, over the past few weeks I have been appalled at what has become of a formerly fine institution. So, the other day, I decided to sit down and record a diary of an episode of Sesame Street. With apologies to ESPN columnist Bill Simmons whose idea I'm stealing, here it is:

9:01 - The episode opens with Abby Cadabby, a fairy and one of Sesame Street's more annoying new characters in a segment about shoes.

9:03 - Abby tells Telly Monster that "everybody out there" pointing to the TV "is wearing shoes." Elliott, in his sleeper, looks down at his feet and sees he is not wearing shoes. "Uh-oh!" he exclaims. 

9:05 - Celebrity appearance by Neil Patrick Harris who sings a song about being the Shoe Fairy. I look around the room furtively, desperate to make an inappropriate joke to someone, anyone.

9:08 - Neil Patrick Harris is actually one of the better celebrity guests I've seen recently although he's giving it a little TOO much effort. There are a few types of celebrity appearances on Sesame Street. There are the ones like Robert DeNiro who appear to be only 50% sure of exactly where they are and who go through their entire segment with a look on their face that says both "I'm going to murder my agent in about 5 minutes." and "So help me God if Elmo tries to freaking hug me, there's going to be an incident." And then there's the celebrity guests that are hoping to send their clip to the Emmys. These are usually B-List celebrities who mug for the camera aggressively as if they think Robin Williams might show up at any minute and replace them. A handful of celebs have nailed it over the years. The best one recently has been Ricky Gervais.

9:10 - The Shoe Fairy gives Telly multiple kinds of shoes, all of which backfire and cause Telly physical pain.

9:13 - Telly decides his feet feel better without shoes. Thanks for wasting 13 minutes of our time Sesame Street.

9:15 - A skit with Grover and a pair of ballet dancers. They are trying to teach Grover what the word 'pirouette' means. Really? Come on, give my son something he can use here. 

9:16 - More puppets falling and hurting themselves, much to the delight of my son.

9:17 - Murray, another new character, pesters young children in a park about the letter Z.

9:17 - It's a clever segue into an animated short about ants looking for food that starts with Z. Spoiler alert: It's zucchini.

9:18 - A new daily feature called Abby's Flying Fairy School in which three young animated fairies attend a very poorly run school.

9:21 - Despite the exceedingly low teacher to student ratio at this school there is no lesson plan and very little learning so far.

9:25 - While chasing an escaped gerbil, one of the fairies shouts "He's heading for the border!" Is this entire skit a subtle analogy of immigration rights in the U.S.?

9:27 - The gerbil gets away but decides he misses the fairies and returns on his own accord. Another 9 minutes of wasted time.

9:28 - Murray is back to teach is about the number 15. Elliott loves this part because he gets to count on his own. His counting goes like this: He holds up one finger and says "Two, two, two, two!"

9:29 - 15 dancing creatures in African masks stroll by. Elliott approves by dancing although it's obvious his patience is wearing thin with the lack of puppets.

9:30 - Murray gets his own segment called Murray Had a Little Lamb. It's Murray touring a school with his friend who is a lamb. And also, the lamb speaks Spanish for some reason.

9:32 - Elliott is bored out of his skull with the Irish Stepdancing class that Murray is touring and starts doing somersaults on the couch.

9:32 - Not surprisingly, Murray the puppet falls while dancing, briefly getting Elliott's attention back.

9:35 - Murray plays 'sounds of the street' in New York. He hears birds, a car horn and a homeless man urinating in an alley.

9:36 - Hey, it's puppets I recognize! Ernie and Bert talk about their toes. Ernie, also known as the worst roommate ever, disturbs Bert's sleep for the 500th time in the history of Sesame Street by singing a song about his toes. Here's what I don't get about Ernie and Bert. They obviously own an apartment together and have to be responsible enough to pay bills and buy their own groceries etc... but their discussions over the past 30 years are extremely rudimentary. Ernie is obsessed with his rubber duckie. Bert collects bottle caps and loves pigeons etc... A while ago someone caused an uproar by surmising that Ernie and Bert were gay but I don't think that's true. I think it's more of a George and Lennie type relationship. Bert has an affinity for Ernie the simpleton even though his life would clearly be easier without him. Needless to say I don't think anyone would have liked the results if Steinbeck ever had the chance to guest direct an episode.

9:38 - Time for Elmo's World which now takes up the last 20 minutes of every episode. Elliott immediately grins and dances and is more transfixed than he has been all day. He loves Elmo. All kids do. I don't get it. It's like a group of scientists got together in the late 60s and spent two decades doing research to create a creature that no child under the age of 4 could possibly resist. I'm convinced that Elmo has been spewing subliminal messages to children for 20 years. Play the theme song of Elmo's World back and it probably says "Vote Republican."

9:39 - The theme of this Elmo's World episode is going to be about getting dressed. 

9:40 - Elmo talks to his pet goldfish Dorothy pretending to field a question from him. Shelbi and I have both wondered at separate times how many "Dorothy's" they have gone through in the last 10 years. To my knowledge there has never been an Elmo's World episode called "Elmo deals with death."

9:41 - Oh boy it's time for Mr. Noodle, a live-action clown-type character who is a mustachioed 45-year-old man permanently living outside Elmo's window. He is mute and scares the bejeezus out of Shelbi. I don't think I even need a joke here.

9:41 - Mr. Noodle is also the dumbest man alive as a group of 6 year olds always has to tell him how to do basic functions. Today Mr. Noodle doesn't know how to get dressed.

9:42 - Quick thought: If you're at a point where you think pants go on your arms, perhaps having suspenders and a dicky in your outfit is a bit too complicated of an ensemble.  Maybe start small with an adult diaper and a poncho.

9:43 - Now a variety of kids talk to Dorothy the goldfish about how they get dressed. Dorothy all but screams from her bowl. "I'm a fish! I'm living in a madhouse with a 3-year-old! Why has there never been an episode about how to feed a goldfish?"

9:45 - Now Elmo asks a baby how to get dressed in a running segment on Elmo's World I like to call "Let's Mock an Infant."

9:47 - Elmo is supposed to be 3 years old and has been unattended for 10 minutes now. Sesame Street has a laundromat, a general store and a fix-it shop but apparently no Child Services office.

9:50 - Elmo leaves us briefly as a 7-year-old teaches us, again, how to get dressed. Elliott protests his absence by getting up and turning the TV off.

9:51 - Elmo wants to watch something called 'the getting dressed channel'. I think that show is on at midnight on Fridays on HBO.

9:53 - In another animated skit, a woman gets dressed and, at the end, says "Now does anyone know a song about getting undressed?" Umm... yes. Every hip-hop song ever.

9:54- Elmo speaks to a talking book. I'm starting to think Elmo's world might only exist in Elmo's mind like the autistic kid in St. Elsewhere.

9:55 - Elmo's World is done and so is Sesame Street. The letter of the day is Z and the number of the day is 15. Elliott waves bye-bye to the TV and immediately runs to get his Elmo book for me to read to him.

Posted by Matthew Sherman at 10/12/2010 12:51 PM
Categories: uncategorized

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